Real Haunts of Dimes Square
People want visibility with no accountability. Celebrity death drives are gone. This is a fantastical observation of the happenings in Dimes Square.
Cervos has a two hour wait time, the cold bubble has been taken down at Little Canal and Dimes is full service again. Nature is healing, the square is thriving...despite Clandestino’s refusal to remain open past 11. As our neighborhood becomes further swarmed with teens drinking whiskey-watermelon slushies, though, we locals are pushed to the outskirts, the suburbs of Dimes Square if you will. There’s just as much happening (if not more) at the establishments just outside the “city” limits and I’m here to give you the low down. This week I present the Real Haunts of Dimes Square…
Bode Coffee Shop
In case you missed it, Bode took over The Classic Coffee Shop last month after Emily Bode’s dog brutally attacked a Dimes barista leaving the designer without a place to get her morning joe. Located right next door to the Hester Street flagship store, the shop now offers tailoring and lukewarm cardamom coffee. Notably absent are milk alternatives which makes sense because the brand is a “heritage company” and real Americans drink real milk. It took me a while to figure out why I wasn’t spending all my unemployment on a beaded jacket and ultimately came to the conclusion that Bode makes men look hot and gay and women look like Anthropologie employees. Nonetheless, I wear my Bode shorts with pride knowing Jay-Z has the same pair.
Café Forgot
It’s been a lifetime since we’ve been able to buy designer rags IRL at the café, but fear not! The wait is nearly over. Lucy Weisner and Vita Haas are rumored to have just signed a three year lease in the neighborhood and I can confirm as I am, in fact, their one and only employee. I am also here to quell the chatter and tell you once and for all that I am the sole designer of all garments in store. Made sustainably with my stapler and Lucy’s grandmother’s old curtains. With the recent mainstream acceptance of cottage core, I’ve suggested we take the primitive approach to clothing to new levels and introduce mud dresses.
Mr. Fong’s
Aisa Blue Shelley has a way of opening businesses whose crowds go from Frieze to frat faster than Ally Marzella bounces back from being cancelled. Though, with SLA (State Liquor Association) up Ivan Berko’s ass, Shelley’s Madison Street bar graces us with some leniency on covid rules as it is functionally lawless. While Clandestino strictly enforces a six person maximum, no standing rule, Mr. Fong’s would have you bring everyone you know to crowd the outdoor tables. Days before Cuomo lifted the restriction on bar seating, shrouds of Dimes Square hotties lined the inside of Fong’s partying like it was 2019 and thankfully sporting more Kikos than Golden Goose.
Honorable mention:
Oliver Coffee Shop - We Two Bridges residents are loyal to Aisa’s establishment if not for the watered down drip and basil-nut butter smoothies, then for barista/skate legend Kevin dm’ing us to tell us our one night stand forgot to tip.
Dr. Clark - I always seem to leave hungry, 200 dollars poorer and I’m positive they never clean those blankets but we’ve all heard enough and I refer you to Ben Smith’s NYT article if you haven’t.
Sun Hing Lung (dumpling/rice roll spot next to 56 Henry) - Been wanting to go. Always a line. Anyone have reviews? Until then it’s North Dumpling for me.
MNZ - I have nowhere to try on Jacquemus thongs since the store has turned into the company office. Word is it’ll return this summer. Thank god.
Event of the Week: Precious Okoyomon’s Frieze Artist Award Dinner
Grub by Cosme, beats by Dese. In a major fashion blunder, a Conde Nast editor was seen wearing the Guess copy of Telfar’s bag seated right next to the designer himself. Manhattan’s premiere herbalist found herself lost in the boiler room maze below Cosme for the entirety of dinner after her personal first course of molly hit too hard. Our favorite Spike editor and real husband of DS called his seatmates the “kids table” days after graciously accepting drugs from the same “kids” in an apartment above Fong’s and subsequently asking for one of their numbers. Champagne sponsor Ruinart shamelessly sent only one guest home with a complimentary bottle: the second stepdaughter of the USA.