Glutton for punishment
Last week in a hurry, I booked a room in Hudson so my friends and I could spend the lunar eclipse outside of the city and do some like, exercises or something. Rachel said the eclipse that happened in May put things into motion that are now drawing to a close. When I woke up on Tuesday morning to start packing, I realized the eclipse had already happened..I got the days confused.
The trip was still on and I thought some good food and cold air might be restorative. Fate decided otherwise. I had bad dreams that turned into sad thoughts which were heightened by an unfortunate run-in and then capped off with a depressing Taylor Swift sing-along. We revisited Folklore on the car ride home and it simultaneously had me tapped into that boundless hope I mentioned last week, as well as some paralyzing fear that I might be heartbroken forever. I know I won’t be, but it would be cool to will things to go your way, no? August and the 1 really fucked me up this afternoon.
We did have some good food. But we didn’t get around to the lunar eclipse exercises. Instead, we got yelled at by someone who was trying to sleep at 9:45 while we sang to Imogen Heap on the porch.
Today I’m reading Annie Ernaux and Flora is sending me passages about pain. Sheila Heti suggests that “those who skip town do not escape it.” I’ll probably try a few more trips before I heed her advice.
The day that my friend walked away from two plus years of back and forth with someone, he told her he loved her. I wonder how long I could have gone back and forth. I’ve always told myself that there’s strength in vulnerability. Not groundbreaking, but a crutch I hold onto because, ultimately, I’m completely incapable of not sharing every piece of every thought . That is, to my friends. To the person I’m in a relationship with, it looks more like tip-toeing. I convince myself that the punishment of tolerance is worth the slight possibility of success…and so I stick it out. (See last week’s post for a vague description of said punishment) Is there something to seeing a situation all the way through even if it means being devastated by the outcome? What if it works out the way I always wanted it to? Every sound person in my life has advised otherwise. Most of me still wants to be in the back and forth. If I held on tight enough, it could last forever. Tip-toeing doesn’t last forever though. It can’t. That guy told my friend he loved her, but not that he wanted to be with her. She stopped tolerating. I’m still working on it.
I’m going on a date tomorrow for the first time since October of last year. Well my first first date since then. I anticipate having a pretty bad time. Count your blessings if you’re someone who has the privilege of avoiding lesbian hinge.